Cute as hell or breaks your heart?
Early one morning I was walking by Nick’s bedroom, and, as the door was slightly ajar, I caught a glimpse of something that encouraged me to continue on and take a closer look.
Now, I must tell you that he is 15 years old and on his way to becoming a man, with a voice cutting deeper and deeper every second, and, oh yeah, he shaves a couple of hairs every now and then, too.
So I peeked and watched as he was sleeping (what did you think I was going to say) ever so soundly and holding on tight to his Batman stuffed bear (a Build A Bear dressed in a Batman outfit that he got many years ago) as he slept. This stuffed bear was held tight to his chest like a small child might do…
I saw him doing this and my head jerked back, as if caught off guard. And, yes, very much affected by him sleeping while holding his stuffed bear. It was cute as hell (even though he is 5’8 ish and going into high school), but at the same time it was sad to me, too, since I saw this as a sign of him still needing comfort and security and it tugged at my heart just a little bit.
I was thinking: Is the world really a scary place for him that he needs a secret source of comfort? Then again, maybe this is the residual effect of him having slept in the “family bed” for so many years??
Yes, I did this. It started when he was a newborn and he slept in a bassinet next to my bed. Then he graduated to a little crib, um, right next to our bed. Then he moved right into the middle of our bed, hence, “The Family Bed,” and he wouldn’t move out.
Then Meghan came along and started using his never-before-used crib, which she loved more than he did, so I felt good about that… I wasn’t screwing up two kids with poor sleeping habits!! And for my boy… um, it took a few years to correct. Like 9 or so.
Ugh! I hear the screams of criticism already!!
I remember reading an article many years ago about kids who sleep with their parents and it clearly stated: “Don’t worry, they WILL leave.” Meaning that they won’t be hanging out with the parents forever. They naturally move on to their own beds at around the age of 5 or 6.
I was already thinking that my son was the only exception. Not only because he was older than 5 at the time, but it was something about his need for that particular comfort: Sleeping snuggled between two parents, as if the world was too big and too scary a place, that he needed the comforts that were only found sandwiched between two parents and an occasional little sister.
Yeah, that’s right, she joined in too, and I knew I was doomed!
If you’re picturing this scene: A house with 4 bedrooms in the middle of the night with two unused beds and one bed overflowing with an entire family of four… and a cat, then you are picturing my house. And if you stretch your imagination just a little bit more, you can also see the daddy occasionally snoring away in a very pretty princess bed with princess pink netting suspended for the ceiling and his feet hanging over the edge of a pink and yellow princess comforter… “It was princess Daddy!”
Yeah well you know, I tried… I even slept with him in his bed until he fell asleep, desperate to get him to start sleeping on his own. I was starting to think that DSS would come knocking at my door, telling me the error of my ways and that no boy of his age should be sleeping with his mom…. Sigh!
But it eventually worked—and both kids were sleeping in their own beds—but it took a bit of time for Nick. I think it was just part of his autism, OCD, and that his emotional maturity was just much younger than his chronological age. Simple as that!
But now I’m thinking that he needs to sleep with his stuff bear to get some shuteye; to comfort him from a world that he thinks is unsafe and scary. I just want to hug him and tell him that it’s going to be all right! But I won’t do that. I will never let him know that I saw how he sleeps; it’s private to him and my cue for learning to let go just a little bit.
Also, just one more day left of the Giveaway contest. I will be notifying the winner on Thursday!
Tanya @ TeenAutism says:
August 26th, 2009 at
It’s funny – I was always worried that Nigel slept with his stuffed animals because I *didn’t* do the family bed with him! I think it’s the emotional age issue.
“Princess Daddy” is hilarious!
Rachel says:
August 26th, 2009 at
I’m 51, autistic, and still snuggle up with a stuffed animal from time to time (even though I also have a very hug-able husband). There’s something about holding a stuffed animal close that is immensely comforting to my nervous system. It calms me down. In an odd way, it gives me a way to be loving in a world in which I have a hard time being visible at all.
I’ve read some stuff about “brain-cell pruning” that makes sense to me here. Apparently, as neurotypical people mature, certain of their brain cells get pruned away and new ones develop; that’s why most neuro-typical people have a pretty clear trajectory from childhood to adolescence to adult. For autistic people, it’s believed that our bodies don’t do this brain-cell pruning, so we hold on to parts of our childhood after others have let them go. I can definitely feel that in myself; I can be be very childlike, even though I’m also very mature. It’s not one at the expense of the other; it’s both at the same time. I find myself reintegrating old parts of my childhood all the time. I’ve never lost those parts; they have just gotten pushed aside when I’ve felt the need to act in a typically “mature” way.
From an autistic point of view, I think your son is developing normally and giving himself what he needs in order to do it. Maybe it’s neither cute as hell nor heart-breaking, but reassuring that he’s finding his own way.
Candy says:
August 27th, 2009 at
Jeremy comes in regularly every night anywhere between 2 and 5. He’s 10 now and longer/wider/stronger, so sometimes Ken gets up and goes into Jeremy’s bed because he literally gets pushed out. We call it musical beds. We need our sleep more than having to worry about what’s right or wrong, so we’ve taken to saying “whatever works”. J also sleeps with Larry Lobster, Bluefish and Frog. They are three “mooshie pillows” that keep hanging in there even when they are hugged, stretched and swung around like a lasso. If he’s happy, we’re happy.
Shelley says:
August 27th, 2009 at
#1 – Thanks Rachel for your perspective. Very interesting to hear your take on this.
#2 – Holly, you did it again. I should just leave the hanky box near the computer. Loving your kids so much is never going to mess them up. You have done that and more. I find it very sweet, hanky sweet, that Nick finds comfort in a little thing like a bear. That, my dear, is coping skills and you are to be congratulated.
Love ya!
Holly says:
August 27th, 2009 at
Thanks, everyone, for your nice thoughts and stories. It is always so helpful to read other’s perspectives. And thanks Rachel for your insight and your personal story. I look forward to reading your blog!
Em's Mom says:
August 27th, 2009 at
Holly:
Great post!
1. I am 48, not Autistic as far as I can tell and I have a soft little stuffed bunny who sleeps in bed with me and my husband. Sometimes even in my arms!
2. NO judgement here about family bed or what anyone needs to sleep. Whatever works!I nursed my kiddo til age 2.5
3. My girl, aforementioned kiddo now 16 and a Spectrumite , sleeps with two dolls that she loves to pieces. She just bonded with them within the last two years, never having taken an interest in such things before that. I love that she has them, that they bring her such comfort, that she has learned how to soothe herself to sleep surrounded with her soft blankets ( She recently was able to tell me that her pretty quilt was “too rough”)and her doll friends.
Holly says:
August 28th, 2009 at
Thanks for sharing your story, Em’s Mom! It’s funny here too, because never before has Meghan liked dolls (forget about Barbie!!) or stuffed animals, but lately she loves her collection of Winnie the Pooh stuffed animals—especially Pooh and Piglet. It’s nice to see!
MiaHysteria says:
September 2nd, 2009 at
I think it’s both. It’s sad that he felt that he needed just a little more comfort; it’s sad that our world is built in such a way that a little (or big) boy needs extra comfort just to get through it. It does tug at the heart strings. I can imagine how you wanted to run in there and hug him all the tighter and tell him all was well…..and it’s darn CUTE!