Fearless Folks … autism and beyond …

 First up, Nick.  He is a member of the Best Buddies group in his town.  Actually, he is co-president!  I’m so proud that his peers voted him the highest power one could obtain within this mighty group of young and eclectic personalities! His teachers, grandparents, aunts, uncles and anyone you can think of are proud of him, too.  Nick, however, really couldn’t give a crap.  That’s just how his autism ball bounces, what can I say.

His teacher (who is one of the adult leaders of the group) feels that he is in the right place.  Being part of Best Buddies and making friends with his peers is a perfect match for him.  I think this might be an overstatement.  I am now thinking that it might be too overwhelming for him to be in a group of more than 10 kids, regardless of the fact that it’s all about having fun and doing fun things… I have learned this about Nick.  More about that later…

Meghan, on the other hand, has a friend—a real friend, too.  (Boy, do I sound like that mom on that new sitcom, The Middle, have you seen it?) She got a new roommate at school and they are bffs (modern day teens), real bosom buddies (Ann of Green Gables).  They have been seen dancing together in their room.  How nice is that!  This is one of the many reasons why I know that I’ve made the right decision sending her to her residential school; she is making friends — and playing with friends — for the first time in her life.

Nick recently saw a new neurologist and one of the many questions he asked Nick was about his friends.  He told the doctor that he had one but couldn’t recall his name when asked.  Hmmm and ouch!  Then the doctor asked if he thought he had enough friends or could use more?  Nick replied: he had enough.

I can’t tell you that he has no friends because he does get along with a couple of kids in his classroom, however, I don’t think Nick sees them as a “bosom buddy” or a real girl or guy pal or any other noun word that could be applied to boys (young men), if you know what I mean.  But I do know that he will play happily one on one (or observe is a better word) with younger or more social kids he knows, but that’s it.

For a mom it’s hard typing that last paragraph, even though he doesn’t pursue making friends.  If I find a friend-making situation for him, he then wants to run away, not join, or stands clear of the crazy idea.  Being at school and being with the 10 kids in his class is enough for him, or so it seems.  He seems to “tolerate” volunteering at the school store twice a week, (a good idea that his teacher came up with to work on social skills) especially if he gets a candy bar for the effort, and his Best Buddies group to a lesser amount. I wonder if this will change for him as he gets older, when he’s more confident with himself and his language skills, and his anxiety isn’t as much of a burden as it is now, if that ever happens.

The neurologist told me that a group home would be best for him when he’s older.  A group home with like-adults so he can be with “friends.”  Perhaps that’s the only way he will actually acquire some.

But the bottom line is this:  I’m not sad about it if Nick’s not sad about it.  I just have to figure out what he needs or wants and then find a way to give it to him — and I am not talking about more tv time!

This lack of “friends” subject — I know — is the common thread we all share as parents of autistic kids, even though Nick’s issues (PDD-nos) are a bit different from kids with asperger’s:  kids who do pursue friendships but are sometimes (if not most times) rejected by their peers. 

If there is one easy answer it’s this:  We can’t isolate, but we can insulate.  Help them know that they will always have a safe home and a loving family around them at all times…